The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
