I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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