Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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