May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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