Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
