you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
