I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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