in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
