my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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