I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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