She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
