some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
