I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
