I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
