There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
