Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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