"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
