I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
