If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
