How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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