It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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