I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
