Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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