Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
it wasn't lemon gatorade
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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