U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
