I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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