he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just cropdusted the office
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
