Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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