I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
