His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
