I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
