Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
