glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize