Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
