I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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