Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
