oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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