i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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