Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
