My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize