end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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