he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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