I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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