i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
