I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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