he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
