Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
