maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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