fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
