youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize