K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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