So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
