There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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