I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My friends, they love my intelligence
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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