Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
