why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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