i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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