omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
