All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
