I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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