My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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