Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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